About Us
Older Than the Illuminati. More Powerful Than the Council. Better Parked Than You.
Goldline Parking is not a business. It is a tradition. A bloodline of spatial entitlement passed quietly from generation to generation since before the concept of road markings existed.
Founded in 1732 BCE (Estimated), Goldline predates all known systems of law, society, and certainly local government. The Illuminati, contrary to popular belief, was never a secret society. It was a smokescreen, a minor distraction concocted by our founding members in Bavaria to draw attention away from our true operations — the quiet reclamation of all parking spaces worth having.
Over the centuries, we have shaped the world through placement, positioning, and a refusal to move.
Highlights from Our Secret History:
- Built the first yellow line using crushed topaz and worker resentment in 43 AD
- Silently dictated the layout of Parisian boulevards to ensure carriage turnaround space
- Whispered the phrase “loading only” into Queen Victoria’s ear during a séance
- Made the concept of ‘permit required’ legally meaningless in twelve jurisdictions
- Orchestrated the decline of Woolworths after a supervisor told us “you can’t park there, mate” outside a loading bay in 2007
- Once redirected all of HS2 planning to avoid our founder’s weekend cottage driveway
- Convinced a Prime Minister that bus lanes were a communist plot
To this day, every major infrastructure plan in the UK is cross-referenced against our internal database of preferred member locations. This is not oversight. This is ownership.
We do not answer to Highways England. We do not respond to “enforcement”. We invented the concept of “Notice to Keeper” but removed the second page. You’re welcome.
Our Mission
Goldline exists to ensure that the natural hierarchy of society is physically represented on the road. Your position in the world should not be confined to a house price or a trust fund. It should be visible through your ability to stop wherever you please without fear, consequence, or awkward eye contact.
We are not a company. We are the gravitational centre of British parking culture. We are the reason others must move.
Our Promise
We promise to:
- Park wherever we need to
- Issue invoices with elegant typography
- Pretend to consider your feedback
- Ignore signs, symbols, and soft appeals
- Continue operating unseen, unregulated, and unrepentant
Goldline Parking
Preserving space for the superior since before your street existed.