How to use GoldLine Parking
A Practical Guide for Those Who Have Better Things to Do
Welcome, new member. Or returning member. Or someone wealthy enough to assume this doesn’t apply to them either way. Either is fine. This guide exists solely because someone in Legal insisted we “provide documentation” for compliance purposes. We expect our Executive and Platinum-tier clients will never read this. That’s as it should be.
Nevertheless, for the benefit of our Goldline BASIC tier and any personal assistants currently Googling this on behalf of someone more important, here is a simple overview of how to make the most of your Goldline Parking privileges.
Step 1: Locate a Space
Any space.
Private, public, double yellow, single red, bus lane, pedestrianised zone. It does not matter. If your vehicle fits, it belongs. You do not need to check for signage, bays, or ground paint applied by someone who answers to a rota. This is not an audition. Park with confidence. Confidence is nine-tenths of immunity.
Step 2: Ignore the Infrastructure
Please do not insult yourself by interacting with meters, ticket machines, QR codes, or local council apps named things like “EasyPark+” or “Pay2Stay”. These services are for people who lose sleep over their Nectar points. Goldline clients do not pre-authorise. You are not seeking permission. You are announcing arrival.
Step 3: Receive a Parking Invoice
At some point, likely within 48 hours, a Parking Invoice will be issued. Do not be alarmed. This is not a penalty. This is a receipt. A record of spatial dominance. Payment is processed automatically for Executive and above. BASIC members may be required to pay manually. If that feels inconvenient, we invite you to upgrade.
Invoices can be viewed through our mobile portal or mailed directly to your family office. If you find the tone of the invoice brusque, rest assured it was not written for you. It was written for record-keeping purposes and public sector compliance. Like school attendance. Ignore the tone and pay the amount.
Step 4: Continue Parking Wherever You Like
There are no points, tokens, or cumulative restrictions. Goldline is not a game. There is no leaderboard. You win simply by continuing to park with impunity.
For best results, we recommend:
- Ignoring shouted advice from fluorescent-jacketed individuals
- Never displaying anything on your dashboard that you didn’t personally approve
- Reversing into spaces slowly while maintaining direct eye contact with pedestrians
Optional: The Courtesy Wave
We encourage Executive-tier members to master the subtle courtesy wave when returning to their vehicle. It is not an apology. It is an acknowledgement. A short, effortless flick of the fingers that says, “Yes, I saw the sign too. I just don’t care.”
Questions?
If you are confused by this process, you may not be ready for Goldline. That is fine. It’s not for everyone. Some people spend their lives circling the block, waiting for permission. Others park and move on. You already know which kind of person you are. And if you don’t, your account will soon be suspended for non-payment.
Welcome to Goldline. You are now parked where you belong.
Cordially,
Peregrine L. Wroughton-Daventry, Esq.
Executive Chairman
Goldline Parking Ltd